Day Two: Dear God, I'm Hanging on 'til You Bless Me

READ:  The devotional for today comes from Genesis 32.  Here you will find the story of Jacob wrestling with "a man" on the brook and him refusing to let go until God blesses him.


THINK:  In this section, the reader is challenged to picture the scene.  Specifically, the book says:
(1) Picture yourself in this passage.  Are you Jacob?  Are you an invisible bystander watching it all? 


(2) What moment in this passage resonates with you most?
  *wanting desperately to be blessed
  *wanting desperately to know more of God
  *other


I don't know about you, but every time I read this, I am Jacob.  I feel like I have been begging God my entire life to bless me.  But also, I want to see the face of God, Peniel.  Or, as it is in Hebrew, P'nay-El, which is literally, the face of God.  "P'nay" means face today, still.  And "El" is still short for Elohim, or God.


PRAY:  Without even realizing it, what I have been doing, in my spare time, while I've been here at class, is searching desperately for God to bless me and to show me His Face.  Perhaps, more than either of those things though, I want to believe that I can be seen by God and not have to worry if I'm good enough, to not have to worry about whether or not He will actually see Christ when He looks at me, even though I have taken all the necessary precautions to make it so.  I want to be able to read the passages in the Bible that tell me He rejoices over me with singing and actually believe them for myself, and not just for everyone else.


LIVE:  I will share this part with you verbatim:
  "Sit quietly before God, imagining the night sounds and the smell of running water.  Try to be comfortable with God in this wild atmosphere.  What does it feel like to trust and to reveal the desires of your heart?  Be honest if you feel uncomfortable.  What would you like it to feel like?  Rest in that."


What does it feel like?  Unsteady.  Uneasy.  Like maybe it doesn't matter what the deepest desires of my heart are if He's going to do what He wants to anyway.  But, what I would like it to feel like is that He was listening.  One song from my grandfather's church hymnal sums up what I would like it to feel like.  It is called "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms."  If you've never heard it, here are the lyrics:


1. What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms;
   What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms.
• Refrain:
  Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
  Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.
2. Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms;
   Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms.
3. What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms?
   I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms.


From <http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/Leaning_on_the_Everlasting_Arms/>


If you'd like to listen to it, you can click on the link below to get to a YouTube video of Alan Jackson singing it. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caUOl-URnNM


I will leave you with that for now, and with this final thought. 


I am trying to make Proverbs 3:5-6 my prayer on days when I feel like I can't see the path God has laid out for me, or when I find that I have been struggling to make sense of this world.  I hope it will give you some comfort too.


Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
     ~Proverbs 3:5-6 (New King James Version)

Day One: NAKED AND AFRAID

READ:  Day One of the SOLO Devotional takes us to Genesis 3:1-10.  This is the story of the serpent tempting Eve, her giving in, Adam giving in, and them hiding from God because they ate of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and were afraid because they knew they were naked.

THINK:  I think that is probably the perfect way to describe how this past week of counseling left me feeling:  naked and afraid.  As I typed that last part, thinking about where I was going to go from there, the realization occurred to me that I have been naked and afraid my whole life.  The only thing last week did was expose that to me.  For my whole life, I have been desperately trying to sew leaves together to hide my nakedness from God.  Sometimes, I was unhappy with the way they looked and tried something new.  Most recently, however, I had finally found something that was working, because I had not been feeling exposed, or naked, or afraid.  Either that, or I had just stopped trying because I wasn't really thinking about God's approval.   (I'm not sure which, but I am confident God will reveal it to me as I make this journey.  Probably when I least expect it, or when I want it the least, but certainly His Timing will be perfect.)

PRAY:  This section says: "There is no better way to begin to understand God's Message than to grasp our separation from him because of sin and our desperate need for him to reconcile our  relationship.  Take some time to confess those areas where you have deliberately rebelled against God." 

I will spare you all this part of me, as this is supposed to be between me and God, but I know the list is going to be much longer than I am comfortable with.  In just the little bit of time that I've been thinking about what I would need to confess, I can tell that there are things that are going to arise that I am going to have to take some time to deal with.  This just makes me feel more naked and afraid.  But, there is hope in the that first sentence.  Only God can reconcile us to Himself.  He has already paved the way.  It intrigues me that the very thing that makes me feel so far away from God is what He chooses to use to make me to see my deep, deep need for Him and to draw people closer to Him. 

The first blood ever spilled on the Earth was a life taken to provide clothing for Adam and Eve, so they could cover their shame.  The last blood ever spilled that could do that, and has done it for the rest of time, was that of Jesus.  (I'll just leave you to ponder that one for a moment.)

LIVE:  This section asks how it makes me feel knowing that everyone on earth has rebelled against God.  And to be honest, there have been many times over the course of the past 3 years, that I have railed against Eve.  What in the world could she have been thinking?  She had it good!  Why'd she have to go and screw it up for the rest of us?   One day, someone offered up a response to that question that stuck with me:  "If it hadn't been her, it would've been someone else?" 

That begs the question:  then, why did God give us the ability to choose?  Or, as my 10-year-old asked:  "If God doesn't want us to sin, then why doesn't he just get rid of Satan?  Then, He wouldn't have to worry about our sinning because there'd be nobody around to make us sin."  I got the chance to explain it to him, but he didn't care for my answer.  He genuinely seemed conflicted about it.  He's not the first person, nor will he be the last to wonder why God made it so darn easy for us to sin if He doesn't want us to.

The answer is:  if He hadn't given us the ability to choose, we wouldn't have had a relationship.  What God wants from/for us, more than anything, is a relationship.  That is why we have to have the ability to choose.  We have to be able to choose Him back!

I HATE INTRODUCTIONS!

Okay, maybe "hate" is a strong word, but I never read the introductions to books.  Usually I find them tedious and dedicated to people I will never meet.  Yesterday (July 12, 2014), I found this book at the Barnes & Noble in Lynchburg.  I've been here (at Liberty University) a week already for one intensive and starting another week tomorrow.  I decided to use what spare time I had here to work on my relationship with God and delve into some of the areas that I felt like He had shown me needed some work.  As I was walking through the Christianity section of the bookstore with that in mind, I passed by several books, most of them decent, but, sadly, missing the mark of what I felt like I needed deep in my soul.  Then, I saw this one. 

THE MESSAGE:  SOLO 

AN UNCOMMON DEVOTIONAL

The cover is minimalist: white with grey letters.  All CAPS. 

I was intrigued.  So, I picked it up and glanced through a couple of pages. 

It is not like any other Bible study book or devotional I've ever seen.  This one is actually more like what I've been thinking I needed, just the thing to jump start my exploration into who God really is and what He wants to be to me.  The initial passage is relatively short but, above, it shows the expanded passage, so you can get the context.  (Kay Arthur says, "Context is key.")  Then, the next page invites you to READ, THINK, PRAY, and LIVE what that passage could mean to you and your life. 

READ, THINK, PRAY and LIVE takes me back to the Introduction.  When I sat down to read today, I started at the Introduction.  While I was skimming over it, I came across the term "lectio divina".  Read, Think, Pray and Live are the four basic principles.  The reader is encouraged to "Remember as you dive into this devotional that lectio divina is about wholeness: whole practice, whole Bible, whole God."

Jump down a couple of paragraphs and this is what I read:

"Eugen Peterson called the Bible 'a book that reads us even as we read it.'  That's an uncommon sort of book, and it requires an uncommon sort of read.  Knowing facts about God doesn't change your relationship with him, so take the time to splash around in the Word, to absorb it, to discover what God as to say to you each day."

"KNOWING FACTS ABOUT GOD DOESN'T CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM"

NO, IT DOES NOT!!!

More than anything, THAT has been the truth that I have discovered about myself, not just over the course of this last week, but over the course of this whole ordeal my husband and I have been walking through.  I know a lot of stuff about God.  I know a lot of Scriptures.  I know all the right things to say.  How to speak it.  How to act it.  How to fake it.  But, I don't think I can say that any of the stuff I know has really made that huge an impact on my life. 

Don't get me wrong.  Over the course of my life, I can see where God has worked and has delivered me from many things.  I am grateful for all of that.  But, to be quite honest, I'm starting to think that I've been spared too much pain.  I've been rescued from so many things that my walk with God has been, for the most part, superficial.  Even if "superficial" is too harsh a word, it would not be a stretch to say that I have been in it mostly for my own comfort. 

The problem with that kind of thinking is:  when things are not comfortable for me, I doubt my faith.  I doubt God's love for me.  I doubt His Goodness and His Provision. 

What I've come to realize is that I have been behaving much like a child who first learns how to use the word "please."  We teach our children to use the word "please" when they ask for something because:  (1) it sounds nice and (2) it tends to make a request out of a demand.  However, we also have to teach our children that there is no guarantee that they will get what they want just because they say please.  There are many reasons for this, but most of them boil down to the fact that getting what they want all the time is not realistic and it is not good for them.

Having that kind of pseudo-faith (I call it that because it resembles faith but doesn't really work like faith should) has left me feeling like I've been wandering around out in the desert without a canteen or a map.  Like God has left me.  I've even said to people, "At least the Israelites had the cloud by day, the pillar of fire by night, and the Ark of the Covenant.  They had physical representations of God.  I've just been left out here to die in the wilderness.  And, as such, I've been begging to go back to Egypt.  However, unlike their Egypt - full of slavery - my Egypt was pretty sweet.  My husband was there, our family was intact, and we were basically untouched by the horrible injustices of the world. 

But, then, if I’m to be honest, there was bondage there too.  In fact, it took being led out of
"the Egypt of my own making" to even be made aware of my bondage.  I have found that I have multiple gods in my life.  The biggest one:  ME.  I've been just like Frank Sinatra, doing it my way.  But, see, my way was not so bad.  I wasn't hurting anyone.  We were going to church, being obedient, and trying our best not to screw our kids up too badly.  I had several causes I was passionate about and wanted to help out, and was working toward that.  I was even submitting to my husband.  And, to top it all off, I was begging for a life that was lived sold out to Christ because I wanted my walk with God to really mean something.  I did not want to just spend my time here on Earth, going to church the rest of my life, calling myself a Christian, and leaving nothing behind to show for having worn that title.

Well, I was saying it, anyway. 

My god was my comfort, my safety, my security, my plan. 

And now, I have been led out into the desert, away from my plan, and have seen that, I am just like the Israelites, cursing God for having brought me out into the desert to leave me to die, when things were good in Egypt, because I had fish to eat.  Sure, I was a slave.  But at least I was eating well. 

I never could understand how they could do that.  How could they possibly talk to God that way after all He'd done for them?  After all they had just seen, how could they think that God would leave them to die in the wilderness?  But, alas, as Ecclesiastes says, there truly is nothing new under the sun, and I have done exactly what I have found so remarkably unbelievable.

So now, here I sit, with this devotional in front of me.  Ready to start checking off the boxes of getting together with God, every day, but not just for the sake of checking off the box.  If something doesn't change - if I don't do something to take steps toward God and letting Him show me His plan for my life - I know that I am going to continue to be just like the Israelites.  And what I fear is that when God calls me to enter into the Promised Land of His Calling for me, I am going to look and see what is there and say that I cannot go in and take the land because there are giants, and I will miss the riches He has for me.

So, here I go.  Solo.  One on one.  Just me and God.  "God, let it be with me just as you say."

I'm Starting A Blog Series

I have been away from my blog for long enough.  

In part this is because I have been searching for the angle I want to take and coming back frustrated.  Also, it kinda takes a back seat when I'm in classes.

No more excuses.

While in Lynchburg for some classes, I found a devotional that I have started working through.  I have mentioned Jesus Calling in an earlier post and I like it.  But this one is meeting me right where I am right at this moment, and I have decided that I want to share it with you.  

If you are familiar with the film and book called Julie & Julia, think along those lines.  If you haven't, here's some quick background.  Julie Powell decides that she is going to take a year to work through her Julia Child cookbook:  Mastering the Art of French Cooking.  While I would love to work through one of my cookbooks or my Pinterest boards, that can sometimes be easier said that done on a limited budget.  

But, this devotional (yes, I know, I still haven't name it yet) "came to me" at a time when I was really searching for God's face and asking Him to reveal Himself to me.  I feel like this book was an answer to that prayer.  With your indulgence (or even without it), I am going to take the next year to blog my way through this book, offering up my insights and what I feel God has shown me through it.  

So, this is the book.  It's not much to look at.  Unassuming little thing that it is.  But what is inside it is pretty thought-provoking stuff.  If you want to get a copy and work through it with me, I would love to hear from you how God reveals Himself to you.  Otherwise, you are going to get to spend the year with me telling you how awesome God is being for me.  

I have already completed the first 4 days, so you will have plenty to chew on, here in just a few minutes.  I hope you enjoy the journey!

What a day!

I had particularly rough day today, and have spent the better part of it wondering how to reconcile how I've felt most of the day with what my devotional reading for the day said.  Before I talk about my part, let me share the reading.  I have been working my way through the book Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young.  When my husband was going through his trial, this book just seemed to be hitting the nail on the head every time he opened the book.  Since it was so helpful for him, I have determined to work through it myself.

I started it in an attempt to find out if God really does draw near to those who draw near to Him because, at the time, I was not feeling his Presence very much.  But, to be honest, I was not trying to draw close to Him either.  After all, since God can do anything, and He chose not to keep my husband out of prison, I was not feeling very ready to draw near to Him.  The only thing is:  if you shun the hand of The Comforter you are bound to feel miserable.  You must also be willing to accept the comfort He offers on His terms.  I was not.  But, choosing not to accept His comfort on His terms had left me comfortless and I was tired of being mad and anxious and worried and betrayed by the only Being that I had grown up believing would never let me down. 

Drawing near to God, by reading His Word and waiting for Him to reveal to me what I needed to see or hear for the day, without searching frantically for an answer to so many of my "whys" was the only way I was able to get to a point where I thought that I was going to make it through this ordeal.  Not until I began to read my Bible and pray as part of a lifestyle and not just a pill I would take when I was feeling poorly, did things seem to start turning around for me.

Well, I did as so many people do, or as I typically have done in the past:  once I was feeling better, I stopped being as diligent.  That has had its drawbacks.  We are coming close to another trial date and it seemed/seems things were/are looking up.  But, there were a few questions I had to ask our attorney.  After talking to him and getting my answers, I was left feeling less encouraged than I had been, and lower than I had in months.  Then, I woke up this morning to read this:

I am creating something new in you: a bubbling spring of Joy that spills over into others' lives.  Do not mistake this Joy for your own or try to take credit for it in any way.  Instead, watch in delight as My Spirit flows through you to bless others.  Let yourself become a reservoir of the Spirit's fruit.

Your part is to live close to Me, open to all that I am doing in you.  Don't try to control the stream of My Spirit through you.  Just keep focusing on Me as we walk through this day together.  Enjoy My Presence, which permeates you with Love, Joy, and Peace.

The scripture references for this particular passage were John 3:8 and Galatians 5:22

John 3:8 - The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

Galatians 5:22 - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

Well, these verses are remarkably perky, too perky, in fact, for the way I was feeling today, and I did not want to read them.  Even less than that, I did not want to do anything they said.  You see, I know, for me, the best thing to do when I feel the way I felt today, is to do something for someone else, something that takes my mind off myself completely.  The only problem is:  that is usually the last thing I want to do, and is, therefore, the one thing that I almost REFUSE to do. 

"I am creating something new in you" - Really?!  What?  A hot mess?  This is certainly not a bubbling spring of Joy.  And I am spilling over into the lives of others, but it isn't Joy most of the time.  Today, I was having a hard time finding any joy at all.  I was impatient and irritable and mad at myself for having so many questions for the attorney.  The questions needed answers.  I needed to be educated.  And, inside, deep down, I know that God is still working.  But sometimes I just want to be unable to live in a bubble.  Sometimes I just want to "unhear" things I've asked to hear because it's too easy to let those things steal my Joy and take my focus off of Christ.  Or worse, it makes me doubt that He has my best interest at heart because things look so bleak that I wonder if He is going to let me down again. 

My part may be to live close to Him, open to all that He is doing in me, but that is certainly a lot easier when I feel good about what He is doing.  It is way easier when what He is doing lines up with how I want my life to go.  And when my life is not going the way I want it to, or obstacles have popped up that are obscuring my view, it is difficult to feel that He is walking me through the day. 

Don't get me wrong.  I do not believe that I have been left to my own devices.  There are far too many things in my life that offer me evidence to the contrary.  Why is it so hard to remember those things when times get tough?  Because I didn't keep reminding myself of them when times were good.  I am blessed.  I have been provided for, time and time and time again.  I ought to be thankful.  But it is so very hard to be thankful when I am allowing myself to be controlled by my feelings rather than by my reality.  It is hard to remember those blessings when I have not remained close to God while things were going good.  When I allow myself to slip back into old patterns of thinking that I can handle my life. I forget until something bad or uncomfortable happens that I am not really in control of my life. 

Years ago, when my husband and I were trying to get pregnant with our third child, things were not going as I had hoped.  With the first two children, I had gotten pregnant without really having to think about it or try.  We just decided and it happened.  With the third child, things did not go as quickly.  I prayed and prayed and felt like I had heard from God that we would have a third child, but always, every month for about 5 years, the answer was "wait."  Another cycle would come and I would be deflated and I would have to "recover" all over again.  One day, I was sitting at my quiet time, in the coffee shop I mentioned yesterday, and got very clear instructions on what I was supposed to do.  Furthermore, I was not to talk about those instructions or my quiet time with anyone that day.  There have not been very many times in my life when I feel like I can say "I heard from God" but that day was one of them.  It was not easy.  Many times that day, I would bring up my time at the coffee shop that morning, trying to bait people into asking me about my quiet time.  Nobody bit.  After about a week, I gave up trying to get someone to ask me about what had happened, and just got on with life.  Within about 2 months, I was pregnant.  Those were the most peaceful, least stressful two months of the entire 5 year waiting period. 

Then, as I hit my 4th month of pregnancy, I got to a point where, nearly every night, I would wake up around midnight and be awake until 2 am.  This continued until I gave birth.  There is nothing on television fit to watch during those hours, so I would read my Bible and pray over our unborn child.  That's when I came across the verse that has become my life verse:

Luke 1:45 - Blessed is she who has believed the Lord would do what He said.

I've tried to latch onto that verse since my husband's been away but, this time, the Lord has not confided anything to me.  There are many verses in the Bible about God working out His plan and about His securing justice for those falsely accused. Those are lovely.  Yet, my husband sits in jail.  I was believing for that justice before he went to jail and God did not deliver.  So, it is hard to keep up any kind of hope when he sits in jail now.  I do not mean to sound like I am the first to go through this.  I am not.  And I am thankful that he is not in jail in a country where Christians are persecuted.  But there is a big difference between understanding that this is God's will for our lives right now and being willing to walk with my head up in faith, accepting of it as good for our lives.  Especially when I know that the good that is guaranteed us is not a guarantee this side of Heaven. 

So, how does one get from understanding to accepting?  How does one get from a point of feeling like God let them down to knowing and walking in the faith that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord?  One thing I've learned for sure is that it does not happen sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  No amount of hiding myself away in my room, under the covers, hiding from the world has gotten me to that point.  The only time I've ever been able to walk in that faith is when I've accepted God's comfort on His terms and spent time with Him, in the Bible, every day, without trying to get something out of Him.

I'm back!

Hello everyone.  I am back.  I didn't realize that it had been over a year since I'd last written anything.  For those of you who've been wondering what has happened to me, I apologize. 

Over the past year, I have pouted.  Doubted my salvation.  Cried.  Whined.  Moped.  Recovered.  Worried.  And tried to figure out what I wanted to use this blog for. 

I am human, so naturally, I come with dirty laundry.  Some of it, I have aired here.  I have done so in hopes of being inspiring while, at the same time, looking for solace from people, rather than God, and for proof that, maybe, I can do something good while I feel so horrible.  I'd spent some time questioning those motives while taking a Facebook hiatus over the holidays, and then, just didn't think about the blog.

A couple of days ago, however, I was out with a couple of girlfriends and one of them, that I hadn't talked to in a while, asked me why I hadn't posted anything on my blog for a while.  I didn't know she even read it.  I told her, in a nutshell, basically what I had just typed, plus a few more details.  She said that even though she didn't know why I was posting, she had been encouraged by what I had posted. 

With that one statement, I made up my mind.  I had to start posting again.  However, I will be doing so with the right motives this time. 

I wish I could say that this was the first time this kind of thing has happened in my life.  The first time was when I decided I was going to revitalize the United States Postal Service, and get more "real" mail in my mailbox by starting to write letters again.  To be honest, it had more to do with getting mail than caring about the postal service, in case you couldn't guess. 

Anyway, I started sending out letters.  I would spend hours at my local coffee shop after I dropped the kids off at school, before I really started my day, writing to various folks.  Some I knew.  Some I wanted to know better.  Some just popped into my head randomly.  Sometimes, I had been thinking about them for days.  At first, I was using my coffee shop time as my "quiet time" to do some Bible study.  I love the atmosphere in a coffee shop.  It's like white noise for me and I can really concentrate.  Eventually, the letter writing became my quiet time.

One day, I was about to drop a particularly personal letter in the mail to a woman that I was not quite sure I knew well enough to write this kind of letter.  I mean, I knew enough about what I was writing about to encourage her, but I couldn't say that I knew her well enough to be the person to say those things.  As soon as I opened the mailbox, a steady stream of second thoughts washed over me and I was suddenly overcome with doubt about dropping the letter.  Before I could talk myself out of it, I let the letter go and decided to trust God.

The next Sunday that woman came up to me and told me that she got that letter on exactly the day she needed it.  She had been having a rather rough day and just needed some encouragement.  Then she went to the mailbox and saw my letter.  That was when I knew that, even though I may not have started my letter writing with the purest of motives, God had his own plans. 

The next time it happened:  a dear, dear friend of mine came home from the hospital to find one of my letters in her mailbox.  She and I had been exchanging letters for about a year.  She was always a very good letter writer and it was the highlight of my day to get her letters.  Well, it had been her turn to write me for a long time.  But, "for some reason" I just felt like I needed to write her and check on her.  Sure...in hindsight, I know that I could've called.  But that was not our thing.  We write.  Well, the day she got that letter, she was coming home from the hospital, as I said.  She had been at the hospital that particular day because her husband, who had been having heart troubles for years, had passed away.  I received an email from her that evening thanking me for my letter because it had come at just the right time.  Even thinking about that email brings me to tears.  That God would use me to brighten that horrid, dark spot in her life is humbling beyond belief. 

But it goes right along with the why behind this blog, and the why behind my letter writing.  When I started, it was all about me and what I could get out of it.  Attention.  Recognition.  A response.  Mail.  But what I have received that has blessed me in ways that I never dreamed are the stories I shared above. 

One thing I do know:  I have always really really wanted God to use me for something in His Kingdom.  I've always wanted to know that I make a difference in someone's life.  Of course, I'm a mom, so that means that there are people around me everyday that count on me.  But I wanted something BIG, you know.  Well, what I didn't realize is that BIG doesn't always look like what I think.  And what was BIG to those two women is that someone cared enough about them to drop a letter in the mail to them out of obedience to a still, small voice. And the provider of that still, small voice knew just when those letters needed to get into the mailbox on my end so that they would arrive at their mailboxes on the exact, right days when they would be needed.

To be fair, I have received a lot of letters.  And they have been wonderful letters.  Encouraging.  Helpful.  Hopeful.  But all of those letters put together pale in comparison to the "thank-you's" I received from the two women who got their letters just when they needed them. 

But what does that have to do with this blog?  For the most part, this has been entirely self-serving.  Is that wrong?  I don't know.  But what I do know is that there have been people reading, you have been reading, and some of you have told me that it has been encouraging.  Well, folks, I don't know that I really have anything to offer that is all that inspiring because, most days, I end up feeling like I'm just barely making it.  But, I've talked to many people who tell me they feel the same way most days as well.  So, if writing about my own struggles with "barely making it", can help anybody else to carry on who is just barely making it, then, maybe, this blog will have served their purpose.  At least, that is my prayer.

I promise you will not have to wait as long for my next post.

Be well & God Bless!
Patty

Humbled,and not loving it so much!

Please forgive my absence for the last few weeks.  Packing and moving an entire house, and trying to figure out what’s going into storage, what’s being taken with us, and what’s being donated is a little time consuming.  Now I’m still unpacking, but fortunately I can take my time with that some.]

But now, I’ve got a new post for you.

I was having a particularly rough week emotionally last week.   So, I knew going into church, I was going to be weepy.  Our Pastor also started a new sermon series, bound to last 11-12 weeks or so, based solely on Hebrews 11.  He has entitled the series “Fearless Faith.”  Seriously, I’ve begun to wonder if he’s been crawling around inside my head.  My husband’s been gone a month and it seems like everything this man has preached, in whole or in part, has been aimed straight at me.  Sometimes, I can’t even look him in the face when he looks my direction, I’m so convicted.

That being said, it’s a humbling thing to be made to see that I’ve been a Christian for nearly 30 years and have NEVER really relied on God.  Or had to. 

I’ve prayed.

I’ve tried to be a good girl.

And even though a part of me believes that Christians are more effective witnesses when they’ve not been rescued from every hardship, I’ve lived most of my last 38 years being spared a lot of trials.  In fact, the only hardship I’ve ever been through in which I was not directly involved was my parents’ divorce.  At the time, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.  As for who I relied on then…well…I was in 8^th grade, so my momma met all my needs.  She, and food stamps.  And we only used those for the summer, until she remarried.

Most of my other issues have been somewhat self-induced, or I knew they were coming.  As a result, painful as the consequences were, I knew I had coming to me what I received.  So, I just grit my teeth and ride it out.  No need to consult God on those matters because, in my view, (1) the consequences of my actions were the answers to my prayer, and (2) isn’t asking God to deliver you from circumstances you placed yourself into a bit like cheating?

Rabbit and I have also been through some stuff:  deployments, unaccompanied tours, relationship struggles.  But again, I didn’t have to really trust God.  Rabbit and I communicate well, so (1) we always worked out our issues, or else (2) I had Rabbit and/or his paycheck/benefits, etc.

All of our marriage, Rabbit has been a FANTASTIC  provider.  ALWAYS!  Maybe too good.  He’s been a great friend, a counselor, my voice of reason, my balance, and a defender of the weak (and this would include his accuser).

And at the very beginning of this whole mess – even knowing the case was a 50/50, he said/she said thing I told Rabbit:

“Don’t you dare take a plea.  I do not want you to say you did something you didn’t do.  Especially this.”

I said this fully aware of what it would mean for me and the kids if things did not go the way I hoped.  But even so, I never believed it would come to THIS.  I never believed God would allow something so unspeakable when the accusation was a lie.

I mean, God is just and merciful.  Right?  God is love and love rejoices in the truth.  Right?  And where could the justice be in allowing a 9-year-old to grow up without his father on the basis of a LIE?  There is no way God would do that to…ME.

                                YET, HERE WE ARE.

You might think the first thing God would show a woman in my position would be just how much He loves me and wants to provide for me.  You might think that scriptures about His providing for the widowed and orphaned would be comforting me.  While those are nice, that is not where God chose to start. 

So, what was the first thing God chose to reveal to me?

The other day I was reading in Philippians about not worrying about anything, about bringing my requests to God, with thanksgiving.  He revealed to me that I was not being very grateful.

You wanna know what my response was? 

THANKFUL FOR WHAT?

Yeah, You’ve been providing.  No, I’ve not needed anything since Rabbit went to jail that You have not provided.  But really, if You hadn’t let my husband go to jail, I wouldn’t need any of this stuff.  I wouldn’t have to be thanking You for all of this stuff because I’d have had my husband.  All of this stuff You are providing, Rabbit was providing quite nicely.  Yes, you are providing.  The kids and I have a place to stay.  We have food to eat and a roof over our heads, and I don’t have to worry about a job right now, but I had all that stuff with Rabbit too.  And the kids had their father.  And there was one less person in the world who would have been allowed to get away with a lie.  I had everything I needed, and You let him be convicted BASED ON A LIE!

THAT was my response.

And you know what that showed me? 

Not only have I never been in the position of needing God’s provision for anything – other than entrance into Heaven – (Yes, I know how ludicrous that sounds to any Christian reading this) I really just don’t want to need His Provision.  For anything.  Other than Heaven, that is.

I did not want Rabbit to go to jail for many reasons but one that I would’ve never had to see or admit UNLESS HE WENT was :

I didn’t want to have to trust God to provide for me.  Rabbit was doing a fine enough job. 

Thank you very much.

I’ve walked a long way on this Christian path I’m on saying one of two things:  (1) I want Your Will to be done in my life, or (2) I want to want that.

I can’t really say I was lying when I said those things, but I know I had NO IDEA the lengths to which God would go in answering those prayers.

I also know that, two years ago, you could not have convinced me I had that much pride and self-sufficiency built up inside me.

You know that scripture in Proverbs about God knowing the motives of your heart (Proverbs 16:2)? 

                                ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!!

How about that scripture about God resisting the proud (James 4:6)?

                                YEAH, THAT ONE’S TRUE TOO!

I have known for a long time that God will bring into the light those things that are done in the dark and in secret.  It just never occurred to me that some of those things that needed to be exposed were hiding in my heart. 

One last thing and then I will close.  Remember the Psalm in which David prays: “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24).  Be aware that if and/or when you pray that, God takes it seriously. 

Be aware, too, that you may well be shown things that surprise or shock you because you were unaware that they were there.  You are likely to find the truth of Jeremiah 17:9:

                “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked.  Who really knows how bad it is?” (New Living Translation)